05 Dec

I cried full naked in a tub full of salt. It was cool?

I don’t need to be convinced to get naked.  I’m at my most comfortable when I’m not feeling restricted by society’s need to cover me up (which really means I just don’t want to wear pants.) So, I was intrigued by a Groupon offer to float full-nude in a tank full of epsom salt.

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What’s the point, right?

Apparently isolation tanks are good for meditation, which sounds pretty chill. I could use meditation.

The place smelled really good and the guy working the desk explained how it worked: you shower, you put in ear plugs, and you float in the tank. That simple. So, I showered and I climbed into the big salty bathtub.

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I want to say that I was able to relax, but I wasn’t. The problem was that I didn’t know how to follow instructions. I forgot to put in the earplugs, and as soon as I laid in the pool of epsom salt solution, my left ear was throbbing with pain. I jumped out as soon as I realized I had screwed up. I tried showering again to rinse my ear out, but it only felt worse. There was nothing I could do, I sat up in the tank to try and chill but it was hard to relax without getting distracted by the pulsating in my ear. And then I remembered: the Groupon deal was for 90 minutes. I had been in there for only five.

For more than half of the session I sat around with my eyes closed and tearing up trying not to call myself a dumb ass. It was still relaxing, I guess, because the music was classical and the water was warm. But soon the rest of my body was cold and I still had about 40 minutes left.

Finally my ear felt better and I was able to remember to plug it up so I could lay back down. This time, it was much better. Eyes closed, my mind drifted off and I let my muscles loosen up. I felt like I was floating on a warm ocean. Though a little small, the tank was still big enough to allow my body to float around without hitting the sides of the tub. It was kind of eerie, actually. Too eerie. A couple of times I had to open my eyes to make sure I wasn’t about to drown or fall off of a waterfall cliff, both impossible. But it felt real, as if I really was floating down a river.

By the end of the session I did feel like I got in a little meditation, although I mostly had to pee sooo bad. Like, I had never had to pee as bad as I had to at that moment. Was it the warm water? The epsom salt? My body releasing negative pee energy? Nobody knows.

I was definitely intrigued by the session and would be interested in trying again. But to be honest, it would have to be another Groupon deal. A regular session is a little too pricey for me, especially when there’s a chance that I’ll forget to wear earplugs again and waste half of my time crying about it.